My wife and daughter have been out of town for the last few days, taking part in a cheer competition in Virginia Beach.  

Our daughter, at almost ten years old, has discovered her passion, and she’s quite good at it. From tumbling to dancing, jumping, and bringing her energy to that stage, she has become quite the cheer leader. I’m excited to see how she develops this skill in the years to come. 

With them gone, I’ve been at home with my two boys. 

We’ve had a good time – attending a track meet, eating pizza, fishing, driving down some gravel roads to look for wildlife, walking the dogs, checking on baby goats. 

My oldest son is becoming a young man. 

He will be turning thirteen in just a month, and I can already see the signs of him shedding his childishness and maturing, right before my eyes. 

Sure, he still loves dressing up in scary costumes and chasing his brother. And he will sit down and build a Lego set or run around and shoot Nerf guns with his siblings or friends.  

But I can see the leader developing in him. I can see signs of maturity. 

I see him step in and help our six-year-old with things, like bringing him his plate of food, or helping him when the dog jumps on him, or watching out for him when they’re at the playground or outside.  

There are times when he sees a need and fills it, without being asked – feeding animals, taking out trash, picking up messes.  

He tries to be a helper to his friends – he listens, gives advice when asked, shows compassion and cares for others. 

I have watched this boy grow, not just physically (he’s as tall as I am now!), but also mentally and emotionally. He’s gone from a sweet, silly little boy to a maturing young man with talents and skills and passions that drive him. 

I say all this to make a very important point – our children are going to grow and develop, whether we are intentionally involved in that process or not.

How they develop  
Their brains are growing and changing as they age, and when they enter this adolescent stage of life, their prefrontal cortex is vastly more developed than it was when they were younger. 

Their logic and ability to reason and make decisions are forming.  

Their interests are being shaped. They are discovering what excites them, what motivates them, what brings them pleasure. 

This is all going to happen naturally, because that’s what humans were designed to do – to learn, to adapt, to develop, to grow. It’s a naturally occurring process that none of us can escape from or avoid. 

Developmental psychology says that society impacts a person’s development, as well.  

According to Lev Vygotsky’s Sociocultural Theory, “human learning and development are fundamentally influenced by social and cultural interactions.”  

This means that a person’s social world is going to inevitably have an impact on their development as a person, including their cognitive development, relational interactions, and emotional growth.  

Understand it this way – the people around your kids are going to have a profound impact on them. In addition, the world that they are surrounded by and are subject to will influence the way they think, learn, and grow. 

We often hear sentences that start with the phrase, “Kids these days…”  

“Kids these days don’t know the meaning of hard work. Kids these days don’t have any respect. Kids these days are addicted to technology.” 

Largely, the reason why “kids these days” are the way they are is because of the society and culture they were born into. For the most part, they can’t really help that. 

But there is a part we can play as parents. And this is the point of this article. 

Our Kids Need Hands On Parenting
Our job as parents is not just to provide for our kids – giving them food, clothing, and shelter. 

We are responsible for far more than just making sure they have their basic needs met. 

We have a nurturing role in their lives, a responsibility to lovingly and affectionately shape them and shepherd them as they navigate development in their strange world.  

Here is an important lesson: If we don’t intentionally seek to influence and shape our children, the world around them will. And we may not like the results.  

This starts at home.  

It involves conversations with our children, especially as they begin to grasp more or become more curious about things.  

It involves walking them through problem-solving, especially as they encounter conflict with peers or siblings, or experience the consequence of bad choices. 

It involves modeling things for them that we want to see in them – things like kindness and generosity, assertiveness, healthy personal boundaries, peace-making, and values-based living. 

This is a hands-on approach to parenting. It might be the opposite of how most of us were raised, but it has been proven to be effective in helping our kids become healthy, well-rounded adults.  

Consider this excerpt from an All Pro Dad article on the topic: 

“In truth, all children, especially teenagers, need their parents to establish rules and expectations. In sharp contrast to contemporary thinking about child rearing, children with hands on parents seldom rebel or pull away. On the contrary, the research confirms that “hands-on” parents are much more likely to have an excellent relationship with their teens than permissive parents.” 

The Challenge for All Parents
The encouragement today is to shift your focus. What do you wish to see in your children, as they are getting older and becoming less “child” and more “young adult”? 

How can you begin to foster the development you want to see in them? What decisive actions can you take beginning today to help nurture them in that direction? 

Again, if we don’t actively and intentionally seek to develop our kids, the world around them is going to. One way or another, they are going to learn and grow. They are designed to do so. The strongest voices in their lives have the biggest impact.  

Can you be that strong voice for your kids?  

What can you model for them? What can you teach them? How can you guide them more effectively?  

Make that your focus for this week, and see what kind of difference it makes, not just in your kids but, perhaps more importantly, in your relationship with them.