So often we have an either/or mentality about our emotional experiences.
We think we either need to be sad or be happy. If we’re sad, or hurting about something in life, we think we need to bring ourselves back to a place of joy and get rid of that pain.
So we distract ourselves. We soothe ourselves. We medicate ourselves. We do whatever it takes to escape from the suffering and discomfort of those feelings and return to a state of happiness, even if it is manufactured and temporary.
But what if life isn’t always supposed to be either/or?
What if our “negative” emotions aren’t supposed to be totally dismissed and avoided?
What if pain and sorrow are supposed to be normal conditions of our human experience?
What if there is room for both sorrow and joy, and experiencing both of them is actually vital to our emotional and spiritual well-being?
It is a reality that Jesus calls us to an abundant and thriving life (John 10) and that He wants us to abide in His love so that we can have His joy flowing within us (John 15). Jesus desires for His people to experience the joy that only He can bring – not just happiness that we can manufacture or that’s based on transient objects or experiences. And that joy is supposed to be rooted deeply within us, a product of our consistent choice to abide and remain in Him and stay connected to Him.
But it’s also a reality that Jesus was not unfamiliar with sorrow. On many occasions in the gospels we see His own heart being clearly broken.
He was saddened about the unbelief among His people. He was heartbroken when some wouldn’t follow Him. And He grieved and expressed sorrow at the thought of giving up His life on the cross.
The prophet Isaiah described Him this way in Isaiah 53: He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we see this description of Jesus as He sat in the Garden of Gethsemane awaiting His betrayal:
And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground (Luke 22:44 ESV).
Jesus knew distress. He knew grief. He knew sadness and sorrow. And we don’t see Him shrinking from it or trying to escape it. Instead, we see Him acknowledging it, embracing it, and taking it to the Father.
His sorrow pushed Him to the source of comfort and joy, and it was within that connection that He found the ability to stand up and overcome the pain that was tugging at His spirit.
Henri Nouwen makes this profound statement: “Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs we may never taste joy.”
Joy is hidden in sorrow. Could it be that the bitterness of the sorrow is what makes the joy so much sweeter? Could it be that experiencing sorrow in our lives and actually allowing ourselves to feel that emotion is what then helps us to truly feel joy?
Is it possible for us to welcome the sorrow rather than run away from it, knowing that “while sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning?”
The Arabic poet Kahlil Gilbran says that “joy and sorrow are inseparable.”
How can we really know true joy unless we are also familiar with the sorrow of both living and loss?
I am reminded of the fact that there is an entire book of the Bible dedicated to the theme of lament, and that, in this book, we see the truth about the pain and suffering and sorrow that is all too common in human existence. And that truth is that sorrow is inevitable, and that sorrow is not our enemy.
The writer of Lamentations says this in chapter 3 of the book: “My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is (Lamentations 3:17).
This writer expressed page after page of lament and sadness and grief because of the sin and rebellion of the people of God and the discipline from God that had become their reality. It broke his heart to see God’s people enduring such shame, and it further broke his heart to know that God had allowed their city to be destroyed as a result of their disobedience. Looking at the actions of his brothers and considering the judgment of God, his heart was saddened. He was sorrowful. He mourned and lamented.
And yet, look at how he balances that sorrow with hope, and how that hope would ultimately lead him back to joy:
“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him (Lamentations 3:21-23).
Notice this: this writer truly felt the heartbreak and sorrow. He didn’t hide from it or try to soothe it away. He sat with it. He acknowledged it. He allowed it to be his reality.
And it was that sorrow that compelled his hope in God. And that hope in God was what would ultimately lead him back to the joy that God wanted him to live in.
Joy is not the absence of sorrow. It is the ability to find peace and satisfaction even if sorrow persists.
Even if.
Even if I am heartbroken, can I have joy in knowing that God is with me and will comfort me?
Even if I am grieving a loss, can I have joy in the faithful presence of Jesus?
Even if I am saddened because of the actions of others, or myself, or because I have been hurt, or because I’ve hurt someone else, can I have joy in the grace and kindness that God extends to me every single day?
John Piper defines joy this way: “Joy is a good feeling in the soul produced by the Holy Sprit as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in his word and in his work.”
I think we all want that “good feeling in the soul.” But let’s be careful not to rush too quickly out of sorrow or dismiss it strictly as an unwanted feeling and experience. Because, again, without the bitterness of the sorrow, how can we truly know the sweetness of the joy?
Sit with the sorrow. Let the sorrow compel you to have hope in God. Don’t hide or run away from it, busying yourself and distracting yourself so that you don’t experience that sadness. Let it be a part of you and your human experience. And let it point you to the Giver of Comfort and Joy as He leads you THROUGH the sorrow and not AWAY from it.